BehatiLife Diary- A Courtyard's Protection
You Are Worthy of Protection
BehatiLife Diary- Entry 2
“the best protection any woman can have is courage.” - E. Stanton
Feb 24, 2019 8:16pm
I’ve been in this space where I’m examining my feelings of protection.
By protected- I mean people who are or have been present in my life valuing my protection as much as they would their own or as much I would for them.
I’ve realized that just because people love or care for you doesn’t mean that they are also protecting you.
They may want the best for you but may not contribute to an environment or decisions that are healthy or good for you.
Sometimes it’s because they simply can’t, other times it’s because they actively choose not to.
For me, I have watched selfishness guide the decisions of people I care around me.
This gets people into so much trouble because their temporary satisfaction has a permanent lasting effect.
I learned how to put others consistently first. I served their needs over my own because it’s a) cosmically engrained in me (I’m a Virgo, so naturally ruling the 6th house of service to others this is what I do) and b.) because I was raised to, like many can relate to.
the eye opener.
My personal breaking point and major eye opening lesson was my last relationship* . I think because I had become so accustomed to protecting, guarding, and defending others I didn’t realize how vulnerable I had become.
Vulnerability is what we should all strive for but only when it is safe and there is balance.
For me, I was accidentally protecting and guarding something that was pretty poisonous and maybe even dangerous.
By the end of that relationship I was beyond exhausted. Of course, my heart was a bit broken but more than that I realized how worn out I was of having to have looked after myself, all by myself for so long. Worn out or exhausted isn’t even the right word to describe it!
Of course I am capable and good at being strong, calling the shots, working hard, bouncing back after failures, maintaining my faith and magic, etc. That was evident in my growth. But I didn’t realize that I honestly have been needing someone advocating selfLESSly for ME, on my behalf simply because I was worth it…
…. ‘simply because I was worth it.’
Jess, you are worth protecting.
Reader, YOU are worth protecting.
the root.
That’s where the root of protection and growth is found for me now and that is what New Orleans has been bringing to me.
I kept asking the Divine WHY it was so quiet when I finally came down here and it’s because all I need to do now is… nothing.
Have I not already done it all? Have I not grown so used to working for and serving others? Is it selfish for me now to rest, mourn, examine, purge, disconnect, reconnect, reflect, rearrange? It’s like a spiritual surgery has taken place on my heart and I’m asked to lie still while the Divine works over me and through me.
“the deeper your self love, the greater your protection.”
Oh you know… just out here slayin’ dragons & evil daily. NBD.
the healing.
I have so much forgiveness and understanding for why others choose to do what they do- they don’t even need to explain, I already know. I am learning how to be comfortable in a space where I don’t need to have ‘warrior energy’- fighting for myself, my dream, or for others. I don’t need to be available, not everyone deserves access, not every message needs to be responded to, other’s comfort is not my responsibility. I am not for anyone’s consumption.
I’m not responsible for anyone but myself right now so I am learning to be comfortable behind the courtyard wall, to not need to share or compromise or even to explain.
More than that I’m learning that there is a need to not only be protected (basic root chakra) but that you need to also FEEL like your own protection is valuable or a priority to others, especially if you are choosing to be in a relationship with them or keep them around you.
To have and hold a space in your life - as friend, partner, or even family- they will need to value your protection and wellbeing just as much as you would theirs.
If not, it’s time to set intention- or move yourself- to a space where you are naturally and effortlessly looked after because you are worthy of being not only loved, cared for, and valued but also protected.
lots of love to myself and to each of you.
xoxo,
jess.
p.s. this isn’t directed towards anyone particular (of course not!), especially not presently in my life. Reflective growth only. thanks for reading! ;)
* for those wondering about intention and relationships- I set intention for each of my past relationships in my life to teach me the most about myself in the shortest amount of time and to prepare myself for a healthy family for my future. I always feel like I had to add this disclaimer because of the work that I do but my intentions that I set for myself are different than other’s intentions. I knew I had some healing stemming from childhood that I needed to resolve first so my focus was on growth and experience to eventually reach the final stage- a healthy loving family environment I created for myself.